My subconscious thinks I'm fat

....and that I'm going to fail in my goal to be healthy.

I'm not kidding.

Over and over I keep dreaming that I fail. It starts out small (just like it would in real life). I eat something not on my diet. And then I have another. The next day I have more. Soon, I'm not following the diet at all. Instead of losing weight, I'm gaining it again.

All of them aren't that drastic or detailed, but when I wake up, I feel fat. I feel like I'm already a failure. Before my last weigh in (I do it once a week right now) I was terrified I had GAINED weight instead of lost it.

When I picture my body in my mind, it's bigger than it really is. As I get dressed in the morning, I expect to not fit into my pants right. Some days I wear skirts just so I don't have to think about pulling my pants over my thighs.

None of these started as conscious thoughts. When I jumped into the program, my thoughts were so focused on the idea of success. I knew I had the willpower and motivation to succeed. I never doubted that I could do it until the dreams started. The first one didn't make me doubt, but after several of them, I can't help but finding myself wondering if I just don't have what it takes to succeed.

And how do you tell yourself you can lose weight when your body is determined that it's fat and it's going to stay that way? Not because it wants to, but because it doesn't think it can do anything different.

Sitting here today I know all of this stems from fear. I'm afraid of becoming like my sister. I'm afraid of being 30 years old and 300 lbs. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed now, I'll end up like my dad, almost 60 and fighting diabetes and sleep apnea in a nasty cycle of not being able to lose weight. Or I'll be like my mom, always busy and moving about but still over weight. If my mom couldn't lose it, how do I expect to?

The answer is simple. I'm not them. I'm 23 years old and I'm staring NOW to combat these problems. I'm not going to 'weight' until I'm diabetic before I start eating right. I'm not going to 'weight' until I'm 300 lbs before I dedicate myself to losing weight. And if I am doing everything I can to lose weight and be healthy and I still am overweight and sick, I'll go see a doctor, not just 'weight' for my body to sort itself out.

I am optimistic and motivated. I've decided that instead of giving in to my fears, I'm going to combat them. I realize that while weight may not be the only sign of healthy living and should not be the end all goal, weight matters. And I will fight the weight. I will become healthy now.

I'm done 'weighting' for my fears to be proved right. I'm done 'weighting' to become like my sister, my dad, my brother, or my mom. I'm going to be me. And I'm going to be skinny and healthy.

I'll prove my subconscious wrong.