"I'm not that fat"

When I was a teenager I could eat whatever I wanted, do practically nothing and I stayed within 5 lbs of my ideal weight. I felt relatively healthy too. My biggest complaint was my bum. (Every teenage girl has to have a complaint, right?) I have been blessed with really big hips--at least for my size. I stopped growing in either 9th or 10th grade and wore between a size 6-8 pants. I felt like my bottom was HUGE!!! My older sister was in a size smaller than me. I used to joke that God had given me the wrong bottom half for my top half. I was a stick up top. I had a tiny waist, tiny hands, and tiny boobs. I had to wear a padded bra just to feel like I even kind of matched myself.

Exercising, or not exercising seemed to have no effect on me. From 7th to 11th grade I weighed between 120-125 lbs. (I was chubby in 7th grade, hit a growth spurt, and evened myself out...or at least the weight all went to my butt. Boobs were the same size...). I loved to eat and ate plenty. Once I ate more than my friends dad (who ate a lot). I could eat as much pizza as my brothers. I had a fabulous metabolism.

Yet I thought I was fat. Because I had a big butt.

Luckily for me, I had big sisters who helped me realize I just have big hip bones. Really, I'm not using that as an excuse. I've had a chiropractor comment on them. I've gotten the whole "Well, your kids should just pop out then!" spiel more than once. I will never be a size 0 unless I starve myself and chop off part of my bones. And that's ok. I am perfectly fine with having size 6 hips. I even grew to like them. When I wear pants that fit right, mmmmhhhmm! The boys looked! Since I didn't have big boobs, well, at least I had something!

The problem was I became complacent. I'm just bigger in my hips. I moved to a different country in 12th grade and I gained a lot of weight. I tried to blame it on the food, my depression, etc. Plus, I was never sure I was converting the kg to lbs right... but I looked fatter than I ever had before. My waist wasn't so skinny any more. I almost had a double chin. I'd gained 25 lbs in one year.

Yet I was still complacent. "I'm not that fat" I thought. Compared to even some of the skinny Germans, I looked small. I had to buy bigger pants, but so what? One size isn't that big of a deal.

I got lucky. Towards the end of the year, my body adjusted to the cultural food and I did more exercise. I started to lose weight. When I came back to the USA, I lost even more weight. By the end of the summer after my Sr year, I was 125 again. I felt good. I could lose weight easily, even if I gained it.

Those factors caused my problem now. At first I went from being between 120-125 to being between 125-130. Then I was always 130. Next the scale creeped to 135, then finally 140. I stayed at 140 for a long time. I didn't really worry about it. I'd been fatter. I'd lost the weight easily. And really, looking at everyone around me, "I'm not that fat". Sure I had skinnier friends, but I always would considering my butt. My pants (from when I gained that extra size) barely fit, but I didn't worry. As long as I didn't gain any more weight.

But I just "weighted". I did nothing about it. And the weight just added. Before I realized what was happening, I was over 150 lbs.

For many people, 150 lbs is a good thing. For many others it would seem like a miracle to get that small. For me... well, I'm overweight. I have to wear childrens bracelets because adult ones are too small. My frame wasn't meant to handle this much weight. I feel sick more often than I did before. I just feel crummy. All the time. And I look lumpy. I'm up to size 12-14 pants. Yet even as of a couple of weeks ago, I was still telling myself "i'm not that fat".

My sister is obese. If you looked at her and looked at me, you'd think I got the lucky genes. That's not the case though. She used to be as skinny as I am--skinnier even. About my age, maybe a couple years older, she started gaining weight. And kept gaining it. Now, she's trying to fight it off.

My dad was diagnosed with diabetes this last summer. He used to be really skinny. The pants he wore when he and my mom got married are so skinny I couldn't fit into them by the time I started Jr high. Now he too is obese.

My brother was obese. We joked that he was 6 months pregnant for a long time. He got bigger. He had a wake up call with his health and decided to lose it. He's down to a normal weight again.

My mom was "bigger" as long as I can remember. She too was once skinny. So skinny I couldn't fit in her wedding dress in 7th grade. My hips and rib cage were just too big. Having babies and her thyroid problem were probably to blame for her weight gain. She was always active, tried to eat healthy, and never really lost much weight. The only time I saw her skinny was just before she died of cancer (not related to her weight).

The last few months, especially when my dad was diagnosed with diabetes, I've been viewing myself different. Maybe I'm not that fat, but I will be if I just sit around waiting. Unless I do something now, I will end up where my sister, brother, mom, and dad have all been. I don't want to have to lose 100 lbs when I can lose 20-25 now.

As of today, I'm starting fresh. I'm no longer going to sit around and weight. Even if I'm not that fat.