My subconscious thinks I'm fat

....and that I'm going to fail in my goal to be healthy.

I'm not kidding.

Over and over I keep dreaming that I fail. It starts out small (just like it would in real life). I eat something not on my diet. And then I have another. The next day I have more. Soon, I'm not following the diet at all. Instead of losing weight, I'm gaining it again.

All of them aren't that drastic or detailed, but when I wake up, I feel fat. I feel like I'm already a failure. Before my last weigh in (I do it once a week right now) I was terrified I had GAINED weight instead of lost it.

When I picture my body in my mind, it's bigger than it really is. As I get dressed in the morning, I expect to not fit into my pants right. Some days I wear skirts just so I don't have to think about pulling my pants over my thighs.

None of these started as conscious thoughts. When I jumped into the program, my thoughts were so focused on the idea of success. I knew I had the willpower and motivation to succeed. I never doubted that I could do it until the dreams started. The first one didn't make me doubt, but after several of them, I can't help but finding myself wondering if I just don't have what it takes to succeed.

And how do you tell yourself you can lose weight when your body is determined that it's fat and it's going to stay that way? Not because it wants to, but because it doesn't think it can do anything different.

Sitting here today I know all of this stems from fear. I'm afraid of becoming like my sister. I'm afraid of being 30 years old and 300 lbs. I'm afraid that if I don't succeed now, I'll end up like my dad, almost 60 and fighting diabetes and sleep apnea in a nasty cycle of not being able to lose weight. Or I'll be like my mom, always busy and moving about but still over weight. If my mom couldn't lose it, how do I expect to?

The answer is simple. I'm not them. I'm 23 years old and I'm staring NOW to combat these problems. I'm not going to 'weight' until I'm diabetic before I start eating right. I'm not going to 'weight' until I'm 300 lbs before I dedicate myself to losing weight. And if I am doing everything I can to lose weight and be healthy and I still am overweight and sick, I'll go see a doctor, not just 'weight' for my body to sort itself out.

I am optimistic and motivated. I've decided that instead of giving in to my fears, I'm going to combat them. I realize that while weight may not be the only sign of healthy living and should not be the end all goal, weight matters. And I will fight the weight. I will become healthy now.

I'm done 'weighting' for my fears to be proved right. I'm done 'weighting' to become like my sister, my dad, my brother, or my mom. I'm going to be me. And I'm going to be skinny and healthy.

I'll prove my subconscious wrong.

Do I really want to be healthy?

I decided to do something about my weight. I joined a program and have a health coach, meals, a text book, and a work book. I decided to go the whole 9 yards. Yet, tonight when I was going through the text book I had to answer a question:

"If you had a choice to live in Optimal Health, would you take it?"

I panicked inside. My anxiety went from 0 to 10 in the blink of an eye.

You might be asking why? The answer is an obvious yes, right? Who wouldn't want optimal health? And I'm already making drastic lifestyle changes to get me there, so shouldn't the answer be easy?

The problem with me answering "yes" to the question is I'm honest, and lately that's included being honest with myself.

Maybe if I reword the question, you'll understand why I wasn't able to say yes right away and remain honest with myself.

"Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get yourself into a state of optimal health?"

Now, all of us will have health problems. For example, I was in a car accident. My body is still messed up. I won't have PERFECT health, even if I do everything I can do. But think of how much closer I'd be if I just changed a few of my behaviors!

The problem is I'm not sure I'm willing to change those behaviors. I'm not sure I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

A very good example for me is exercise. It bores me. The idea of going to a gym is almost painful for me. Sitting there on a treadmill, an exercise bike, lifting weights etc. All boring. How am I supposed to get motivated to leave my house to go somewhere boring? Especially when it is not only boring, but it costs me money. Not happening.

Not all exercise is boring, but the kinds that aren't boring are competitive. I'm VERY competitive. So competitive in fact that if I can't at least do as good as other people, I don't want to do it at all. And well, right now I suck. I'd make a fool of myself. Before I join some community team or even go play basketball with friends, I want to get into shape...but doing that by myself leads back to boring.

A nice cycle, right? Everything that is fun, I can't do until I get the boring out of the way. And I just don't seem to be able to do the boring.

Seeing my problem with saying yes yet?

Do I want to be healthy? Theoretically. Enough to Make changes in my life? So far, not enough.

So I'm making a goal. My goal is to be able to say yes.

Like I said, I'm trying hard not to lie to myself. Before I'm willing to say yes to all of it, I have to show myself I can do it in one area. The area of choice: exercise.

Long term goal: Say YES! I want to be healthy and am willing to do everything it takes to get there!

Short term goal: Exercise at least 5x's a week.

Yup. As much as I hate doing it, I know it's good for me. I am deciding that the benefits out weigh the boring-ness.

I'm done "weighting" to be healthy.

And as I get more healthy, who knows? I might even start doing the exercises that are fun too. :)

"I'm not that fat"

When I was a teenager I could eat whatever I wanted, do practically nothing and I stayed within 5 lbs of my ideal weight. I felt relatively healthy too. My biggest complaint was my bum. (Every teenage girl has to have a complaint, right?) I have been blessed with really big hips--at least for my size. I stopped growing in either 9th or 10th grade and wore between a size 6-8 pants. I felt like my bottom was HUGE!!! My older sister was in a size smaller than me. I used to joke that God had given me the wrong bottom half for my top half. I was a stick up top. I had a tiny waist, tiny hands, and tiny boobs. I had to wear a padded bra just to feel like I even kind of matched myself.

Exercising, or not exercising seemed to have no effect on me. From 7th to 11th grade I weighed between 120-125 lbs. (I was chubby in 7th grade, hit a growth spurt, and evened myself out...or at least the weight all went to my butt. Boobs were the same size...). I loved to eat and ate plenty. Once I ate more than my friends dad (who ate a lot). I could eat as much pizza as my brothers. I had a fabulous metabolism.

Yet I thought I was fat. Because I had a big butt.

Luckily for me, I had big sisters who helped me realize I just have big hip bones. Really, I'm not using that as an excuse. I've had a chiropractor comment on them. I've gotten the whole "Well, your kids should just pop out then!" spiel more than once. I will never be a size 0 unless I starve myself and chop off part of my bones. And that's ok. I am perfectly fine with having size 6 hips. I even grew to like them. When I wear pants that fit right, mmmmhhhmm! The boys looked! Since I didn't have big boobs, well, at least I had something!

The problem was I became complacent. I'm just bigger in my hips. I moved to a different country in 12th grade and I gained a lot of weight. I tried to blame it on the food, my depression, etc. Plus, I was never sure I was converting the kg to lbs right... but I looked fatter than I ever had before. My waist wasn't so skinny any more. I almost had a double chin. I'd gained 25 lbs in one year.

Yet I was still complacent. "I'm not that fat" I thought. Compared to even some of the skinny Germans, I looked small. I had to buy bigger pants, but so what? One size isn't that big of a deal.

I got lucky. Towards the end of the year, my body adjusted to the cultural food and I did more exercise. I started to lose weight. When I came back to the USA, I lost even more weight. By the end of the summer after my Sr year, I was 125 again. I felt good. I could lose weight easily, even if I gained it.

Those factors caused my problem now. At first I went from being between 120-125 to being between 125-130. Then I was always 130. Next the scale creeped to 135, then finally 140. I stayed at 140 for a long time. I didn't really worry about it. I'd been fatter. I'd lost the weight easily. And really, looking at everyone around me, "I'm not that fat". Sure I had skinnier friends, but I always would considering my butt. My pants (from when I gained that extra size) barely fit, but I didn't worry. As long as I didn't gain any more weight.

But I just "weighted". I did nothing about it. And the weight just added. Before I realized what was happening, I was over 150 lbs.

For many people, 150 lbs is a good thing. For many others it would seem like a miracle to get that small. For me... well, I'm overweight. I have to wear childrens bracelets because adult ones are too small. My frame wasn't meant to handle this much weight. I feel sick more often than I did before. I just feel crummy. All the time. And I look lumpy. I'm up to size 12-14 pants. Yet even as of a couple of weeks ago, I was still telling myself "i'm not that fat".

My sister is obese. If you looked at her and looked at me, you'd think I got the lucky genes. That's not the case though. She used to be as skinny as I am--skinnier even. About my age, maybe a couple years older, she started gaining weight. And kept gaining it. Now, she's trying to fight it off.

My dad was diagnosed with diabetes this last summer. He used to be really skinny. The pants he wore when he and my mom got married are so skinny I couldn't fit into them by the time I started Jr high. Now he too is obese.

My brother was obese. We joked that he was 6 months pregnant for a long time. He got bigger. He had a wake up call with his health and decided to lose it. He's down to a normal weight again.

My mom was "bigger" as long as I can remember. She too was once skinny. So skinny I couldn't fit in her wedding dress in 7th grade. My hips and rib cage were just too big. Having babies and her thyroid problem were probably to blame for her weight gain. She was always active, tried to eat healthy, and never really lost much weight. The only time I saw her skinny was just before she died of cancer (not related to her weight).

The last few months, especially when my dad was diagnosed with diabetes, I've been viewing myself different. Maybe I'm not that fat, but I will be if I just sit around waiting. Unless I do something now, I will end up where my sister, brother, mom, and dad have all been. I don't want to have to lose 100 lbs when I can lose 20-25 now.

As of today, I'm starting fresh. I'm no longer going to sit around and weight. Even if I'm not that fat.