It's been a long time since my last post. Back then I was at my ideal weight, I physically felt great and I was in a good emotional space. Unfortunately that didn't keep.
My problem is not that I gained the weight back because I couldn't live the program. I am still in a healthy range. My problem wasn't exercise--I do that more than I do now.
My problem is 100% in my mind.
A lot of it isn't my fault. I was seriously depressed and finally was diagnosed as having a bipolar disorder (See here for more details). All of this really contributed to my "loss" of health. But there is more to this than just my biological issues.
The reality is unless you are actively striving towards health, you are "weighting" for disease. I assumed being at my healthy weight and being physically better than I'd been in years meant I didn't have to worry so much anymore. This summer I realized I was wrong.
In the book my program uses (Dr. A's Habits of Health), the concept of changing habits and pursing health instead of disease is talked about in depth. I understood the theoretical applications of this. I even taught it in Health Classes. I've eaten fairly well. I've picked up a semi regular exercise routine. I monitor my weight and have kept myself in the healthy range. I didn't apply this component to my state of mind until my diagnosis was thrust on me.
I'm actually grateful for the problems I went through this summer and the end diagnosis. It's made me take a step back and review all of my mental processes, not only the ones relating directly to my disease. One of the things I realized is I have a destructive view of my self, particularly when it comes to my health.
I have an underlying belief that I don't deserve good things. I don't believe I deserve to be healthy so I self sabotage. I ruin my sleep schedule by keeping myself up late doing nothing. I will "forget" to take my medicine which will throw me out of balance and cause physical and mental problems. I will delay eating for hours or not eat enough during the day so at night I have to eat a lot to make up for it. Worst of all, I treat food as my "medicine" for problems instead of reaching in and solving the problem. I eat so my brain can concentrate on anything but the feeling of worthlessness I have.
I logically can tell you that I'm full of crap about my worthlessness. I know that I am a talented, kind, and beautiful young lady who is headed towards good things. Logically this is all apparent to me. But because of events in the past, events that stem all the way back to my childhood, my logical side gets sabotaged by my unhealthy emotional mind.
Luckily for me I have an entire program, including Dr. A's book, designed to help me retrain my thoughts. Half of his book is all about this exact process. Every time I've read it in the past I've latched on to the other health aspects of it. I'd think I need better exercise habits or I need a better sleep schedule or even I need to eat better. I always ignored this: I need to have better thoughts about myself and my life.
Until I succeed in this area, until I become healthy mentally, I am "weighting" for disease.
I'm making progress. I have medicine that is helping me conquer the biological aspect of it. The realization that I'm unhealthy mentally beyond my biological problems is a big step. Now I have to learn to believe in myself.
I share all of this not because I want to blab on about my problems, but because I believe I'm not the only one out there who is desperately trying to get healthy but ignoring the most important part: the mind. The next few posts will be about my progress in this direction. I hope they help more than just me.
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